Working from Square One…

Good Morning Monkeys,

It’s 06:11 on a Saturday and already I’m tweaking a little bit.  I got woken by my favourite pop star Katy Perry (new single “The One That Got Away”, rather than her fine physical self).  Right from the get-go I had a raging South-facing erection.  Furthermore I move downstairs and get some breakfast.  Rachael Riley is on Countdown in a tight-fitting wool dress and on the BBC Susanna Reid looking tasty too.  Fuck, already it’s like I’m being tempted left-right and centre.

But I’m focusing on my breathing.  Slow steady breathing.  More later.

Shuffling Monkey.

Goddammit, back again

Hello Fellow Monkeys,

Following a period of blog inactivity I decided to research the deep-seeded paranoia of what my shuffling habits are doing in terms of attracting a girlfriend.  Reading “What are the Drawbacks of Masturbation” ( http://www.reuniting.info/resources/porn_masturbation_addiction/drawbacks_masturbation ) is sobering reading (even as I’ve sunk two Tigers – roar).  Research has shown that wanking repels women on a chemical level.  Kind of like saying “Yeah girl, I’m taking care of my needs in a hands-on fashion”.

This is not good.

And nor is it news.  Therefore I’m taking a different approach.  Initially I debated going wank-free for eight weeks.  As it’s the festive period I’m going to attempt this during the most depressing and couple-heavy time this side of Valentines.  Therefore I shall stop using my PC in my bedroom.  You see folks, I’m a very secretive monkey and as such I only wank in the comfort of my room.  And that’s because the laptop sits there, like a festering temptation.  So I’ll move it to the study.  I’m meant to be writing in there anyhow and if the laptop stays in there (the strength I’ve got to show is NOT moving it to my room) I can focus on doing productive things rather than destroying my sex drive and my rather battered looking cock.

Speaking of which I did incur the sad aftermath of non-lubricated wanking.  I caused a slight friction burn on the shaft, meaning that walking, sitting down and anything involving motion was, well, a little painful.  Masturbation is a contact sport with a no-win scoring system.  Believe.

Timer is reset on the 2nd December 2011 at 20:01 GMT.  I’ve failed myself and you.  But for the good of a better life let’s give this another try.  The falling off the wagon was encouraged this time by pressure for my ass-clown of a boss.  I wanked three times a day most days.  And I broke a promise to my folks regarding never phoning a sex line again (phone sex lines have cost my into the ££££’s)  which I did and stayed on the call for one hour and 35 minutes.

Time to grow up, yeah?

Anyway, I’m going to read some Bukowski.  May the force be strong in you, fellow monkeys…

Shuffling Monkey…